God's Elbow, Act 1, Scene 1

[knights_say_nih]

Ichabod- I think it’s over.
Cesar- Over?
Ichabod- Over. Ended. Finished. Over easily. Without extreme amounts of difficulty. Without eggs.
Cesar- What was over?
Ichabod- That.
Cesar- But what was it?
Ichabod- I haven’t the foggiest. I’ve been here with you, remember?
Cesar- …of course. But the question still remains. I mean, we don’t really know, do we?
Ichabod- Don’t we?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- Why not?
Cesar- Well, if we don’t know what that was, perhaps…
Ichabod- Yes?
Cesar- Perhaps that was just the first step. Oh.

Cesar suddenly looks stricken, as though a realization has washed over him. Ichabod ignores this, pausing instead for a moment to consider.

Ichabod- No.
Cesar- No?
Ichabod- No. I don’t believe it.
Cesar- (offended) Well, why not?
Ichabod- It’s too grand.
Cesar- Oh.
Ichabod- The implication that there’s some sort of plan. Some greater purpose in the turmoil-
Cesar- was that a turmoil?
Ichabod- Yes, it was. Some greater purpose, indicating the existence of steps, indicating-
Cesar- I wouldn’t have called that a turmoil.
Ichabod- -indicating the existence of some greater plan, by which we can extrapolate the necessity of-
Cesar- I mean, I think for a proper turmoil I would have needed brimstone to be convinced.
Ichabod- Will you be quiet?
Cesar- I was just saying.
Ichabod- Look, for there to have been a plan, there would have to be a planner, and the notion of divine intervention in our lives is ludicrous.
Cesar- Why?
Ichabod- You can’t be serious.
Cesar- (hurt) Why not?
Ichabod- Oh for, divine intervention is utterly improbable. For one thing the church would be furious. It’s the sort of thing they’ve been waiting around for for years, and it’s gone and happened to us. Neither of us have been in a church since I can remember.
Cesar- Hah.
Ichabod- Well, at least, one assumes we haven’t.
Cesar- I might remember it.
Ichabod- That was a wedding.
Cesar- Whose?
Ichabod- Mine, I think. No, yours. Your brother’s.
Cesar- I don’t have a brother.
Ichabod- I could have sworn.
Cesar- It was still in a church.
Ichabod- But it doesn’t count.
Cesar- Why not?
Ichabod- It just doesn’t. Now pay attention.
Cesar- To what?
Ichabod- …I don’t remember.
Cesar- Divine intervention?
Ichabod- Yes, that was it.
Cesar- Oh good.
Ichabod- Good God.
Cesar- Bad God.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- I mean, if he’s going and shaking things up like this… perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it wasn’t divine intervention.
Ichabod- That’s what I’ve been saying.
Cesar- Perhaps his elbow only slipped, and the table jostled a little.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- God. His elbow.
Ichabod- I thought we’d agreed to reject established religion?
Cesar- I don’t remember that.
Ichabod- Neither do I. I just thought we had.
Cesar- I might have been drunk at the time?
Ichabod- Then I’d…
Cesar- So might you.
Ichabod- Oblivion through alcohol. It’s a distinct possibility.
Cesar- So we’re rejecting abstinence too?
Ichabod- No.
Cesar- But you said-
Ichabod- To reject abstinence utterly means to spend ones entire life as a drunk. The rational mind cannot accept it, or the degradation it implies.
Cesar- But what about the church?
Ichabod- What about it?
Cesar- I thought we were being elite intellectuals and rejecting the church?
Ichabod- We are.
Cesar- But the church preaches abstinence.
Ichabod- So do we.
Cesar- Then how are we rejecting the church?
Ichabod- We’re not allowing it to dictate our actions. We’re ignoring the church. Through this disdain, we have achieved the ultimate rejection.
Cesar- Oh.
Ichabod- Precisely.
Cesar- Then what about God’s elbow?
Ichabod- What about it?
Cesar- Can’t we talk about God’s elbow? It’s sort of the same.
Ichabod- No it isn’t.
Cesar- Yes it is. It implies that God doesn’t know what he’s doing all of the time. I expect a priest to leap out from behind a bush and strangle me.
Ichabod- That’s-
Cesar- Or perhaps stab me with a crucifix.
Ichabod- Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be ridiculous.
Cesar- You’re using the Lord’s name in vain, there, I see.
Ichabod- No priests are going to kill you, and no, we are not accepting that God has elbows.
Cesar- Why not?
Ichabod- Because to have elbows you need to have a body, and to have a body you need to exist.
Cesar- What about dead people?
Ichabod- What have dead people got to do with it?
Cesar- They don’t exist.
Ichabod- Not in some sense of the word.
Cesar- And they have elbows.
Ichabod- …lets talk about something else.
Cesar- Well, unless they’ve been dismembered. I mean, they might have been attacked by pirates. Or had a mishap with a guillotine or be run over just so with a train.
Ichabod- Can we please change the topic?
Cesar- Of course.

Some silence.

Cesar- So, it really is over.
Ichabod- Yes, we’ve established that.
Cesar- What was it, though. We didn’t establish that, did we?
Ichabod- I don’t want to talk about it any more.
Cesar- That’s because you don’t know.
Ichabod- No, it isn’t.
Cesar- Then what was it?
Ichabod- I don’t know.
Cesar- See!
Ichabod- But that’s not why I don’t want to talk about it.
Cesar- You’re being a sore loser.
Ichabod- I haven’t lost anything, and I am not being sore.
Cesar- You are.
Ichabod- So what, you’ve won?
Cesar- Pardon?
Ichabod- Will you shut up?
Cesar- (hurt) I was just joking.
Ichabod- Stop.
Cesar- I will.
Ichabod- And don’t look at me like that.

Cesar shrugs eloquently and turns his back to Ichabod, looking very much like he’s been kicked.

Ichabod- Look, don’t be-
Cesar- I’m not.

But he is, and they can both hear it in his voice.

Ichabod- Fine.
Cesar- It is.
Ichabod- No it isn’t.
Cesar- I’m just tired.
Ichabod- Sit with me.
Cesar- Fine.

Neither sit.

Ichabod- It’s been a long day.
Cesar- I thought it was morning?
Ichabod- It is.
Cesar- The sun’s coming up.
Ichabod- I know. We’ve been up all night.

Cesar yawns suddenly, as though he’s just realized it. Ichabod finally sits.

Ichabod- Are you tired?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- No?
Cesar- I feel as though I should be.
Ichabod- Ah.
Cesar- Does that make sense?
Ichabod- No.

Cesar sits too.

Cesar- If the sun isn’t up, then why is it light out?
Ichabod- I don’t know. This is a terribly odd sort of place, is it not? The terrain is frankly bizarre.
Cesar- I like it.
Ichabod- Like is irrelevant.
Cesar- …really?
Ichabod- Yes. Allowing the emotions to colour observation is irrational and unprofessional.
Cesar- But what matters more than liking?
Ichabod- I don’t know what you mean.
Cesar- If you don’t like something, then what’s the point?
Ichabod- Science.
Cesar- And why are you suffering for science?
Ichabod- Because it’s my art.
Cesar- But you don’t like it.
Ichabod- Yes I do.
Cesar- You just said-
Ichabod- I like science objectively. I’m willing to suffer for the subjective instances?
Cesar- That’s a really bizarre distinction.
Ichabod- Without distinctions, we are no better than beasts.
Cesar- I’m not a beast.
Ichabod- Well…
Cesar- For pity’s sake.
Ichabod- I’m sure you have distinctions.
Cesar- I don’t think so.
Ichabod- Really?
Cesar- I mean, I’d know if I did.
Ichabod- Would you necessarily, though?
Cesar- Well, yes. I mean, why not?
Ichabod- They could be unconscious distinctions.
Cesar- How could I make a distinction when I was unconscious?
Ichabod- No.
Cesar- Then…
Ichabod- Look. Hit me.
Cesar- What?
Ichabod- Hit me.
Cesar- No!
Ichabod- I mean it.
Cesar- Absolutely not.
Ichabod- Why?
Cesar- I’m not cruel.
Ichabod- I’d let you.
Cesar- I like you.
Ichabod- (startled) Really?
Cesar- Yes.
Ichabod- (dragging resolve back into his voice.) Beside the point. You won’t hit me?
Cesar- Of course not!
Ichabod- Are you absolutely sure?
Cesar- You’re frightening me.
Ichabod- Would you hit another man?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- Why not? You don’t like him.
Cesar- I have no reason to start a quarrel.
Ichabod- So you won’t hit a man?
Cesar- Please!

Ichabod, with a ferocious snarl, throws himself at Cesar who flings himself out of the way with a panicked noise.
Eventually, Ichabod gets too close, and grabs Cesar by the shoulders, and gives his shoulders a vicious shake.

Cesar- Let me go!
Ichabod- Hit me!

Cesar, eyes clenching tight closed, hits him. Ichabod staggers back, clutching his jaw, face triumphant.

Ichabod- Distinction. Self-defense?
Cesar- Are you alright?
Ichabod- That’s not the point.
Cesar- Oh my God.
Ichabod- Ah, enough of your monotheism.
Cesar- Stop.
Ichabod- You see what I mean, though?
Cesar- For one goddam second, please, stop.

A long, serious pause. Ichabod’s eyes wide and concerned, Cesar shaking slightly.

Ichabod- I am alright.
Cesar- Fine.
Ichabod- It was me, C. I provoked you.
Cesar- I was here too, remember? I know.
Ichabod- Do you want to hear my point?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- But it’s the reason-
Cesar- No, I don’t want to hear your point.
Ichabod- I’m not angry.
Cesar- I know.
Ichabod- You’re not angry?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- Really.
Cesar- Your science is far too cruel, you realize that?
Ichabod- The sacrifices one must make for-
Cesar- I didn’t say you could sacrifice me.
Ichabod- I didn’t.
Cesar- Or my integrity.
Ichabod- Now you’re just overreacting.
Cesar- I hit you.
Ichabod- (gently) I’ve been hit worse.
Cesar- Your nose is bleeding.

Ichabod immediately lifts his hand to dab at it. Cesar, a few moments later, offers him his handkerchief.

Ichabod- You’re overwrought.
Cesar- I’m what?
Ichabod- Get some sleep.
Cesar- I’m not tired.
Ichabod- Get some sleep.
Cesar- I don’t have to listen to you.
Ichabod- I’m just trying to help.
Cesar- Go help someone else?
Ichabod- (laughs)
Cesar- I mean it.
Ichabod- You can’t possibly?
Cesar- No. But do be quiet for a few minutes. I’m being righteously furious.
Ichabod- I am sorry.
Cesar- Good.
Ichabod- I should have known better.
Cesar- Yes.
Ichabod- Do you ever feel like it’s futile?
Cesar- Stop it.
Ichabod- What do you mean?
Cesar- You’re not going to get me to feel sorry for you.
Ichabod- That wasn’t what I was-
Cesar- Yes it was.
Ichabod- That’s not fair, Ce, no matter what.
Cesar- You made me hit you.
Ichabod- I said I was sorry.
Cesar- I said fine.
Ichabod- Fine.

Both stalk about for a few moments. Sit, stand, fiddle.

Ichabod- About your brother’s wedding.
Cesar- I don’t have a brother.
Ichabod- Oh. Right. I thought so.
Cesar- I might have had a sister.
Ichabod- It doesn’t matter.
Cesar- What were you going to ask?
Ichabod- If he was happy.
Cesar- He was.
Ichabod- But you said you didn’t have one.
Cesar- No, but he was happy.
Ichabod- What are you talking about?
Cesar- Just making conversation.
Ichabod- I just wanted an answer to my question
Cesar- I did.
Ichabod- Look, remember God and his elbows?
Cesar- Yes.
Ichabod- Well, like God doesn’t have elbows, your brother doesn’t have a happy marriage.
Cesar- If I did have a brother he’d have a happy marriage.
Ichabod- Right.
Cesar- Although, I suppose we don’t know that.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- He might hit her.
Ichabod- He wouldn’t.
Cesar- She might hit him.
Ichabod- Pssh.
Cesar- Why wouldn’t he?
Ichabod- Because he’s your brother, and look at you.
Cesar- He might be the black sheep of the family?
Ichabod- God’s elbow.
Cesar- Theoretically.
Ichabod- There is no such thing as a sound theory not based on fact.
Cesar- Well, hypothetically, then. Surely you can understand hypothetically?
Ichabod- This smacks of some sort of interpretive dance.