God's Elbow, Act 1, Scene 2

[knights_say_nih]

Ichabod- Will you desist, please?
Cesar- Spoilsport.
Ichabod- Degenerate.
Cesar- I am not!
Ichabod- No, you’re not. You’re hysterical. Get some sleep.
Cesar- Why in heavens name have we been awake this long?
Ichabod- We’ve been busy, remember?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- Neither do I.
Cesar- Good. I should hate to think I was going mad.
Ichabod- Recurrence doesn’t establish a phenomenon as natural.
Cesar- Well, it can’t be coincidence.
Ichabod- Not that, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an explanation.
Cesar- What sort of explanation?
Ichabod- Take Spring Heeled Jack, for example. Spring Heeled Jack was a creature, spotted all across Europe in the early eighteen hundreds. He was accurately described by hundreds of independent witnesses as a devilish creature, with an elongate chin, an ability to breath fire, that took great leaps up to thirty feet in the air and would rake at villagers with metallic claws.
Cesar- I don’t think I like this story.
Ichabod- Soldiers even went so far as to shoot him, in a documented report, whereupon he took one of their heads off. It’s in the mission-log, or whatever they call such documents.
Cesar- Oh dear.
Ichabod- Most eerie of all, perhaps, was his impeccable dress. Jack never wore a thing that wasn’t gentlemanly. The height of fashion, to go along with his glowing, demonic eyes.
Cesar- So he was a demon?
Ichabod- He was even the reason a man was excused from hanging. The woman he had assaulted maintained that since the man could not breathe fire, he could not be her attacker, though evidence, circumstances and prejudice suggested otherwise.
Cesar- Goodness gracious! What happened to the creature.
Ichabod- Nothing. They’re still sighting it.
Cesar- You’re lying.
Ichabod- Of course, that’s not the point. The point is that there is no such thing as a devil and thus, no such thing as Spring Heeled Jack, and thus shared evidence may be false.
Cesar- But you just said!
Ichabod- That they all believed it?
Cesar- Yes.
Ichabod- That does not mean it’s true!
Cesar- But they all saw him!
Ichabod- A judge at the theorized that it was a nobleman who had lost a bet…
Cesar- Oh, so now theories are alright?
Ichabod- Better that than a devil.
Cesar- And why, precisely, is that better than a devil?
Ichabod- God does not exist, nor do his elbows, correct? We may establish this as a given.
Cesar- (tentatively) …yes?
Ichabod- Well, say that God, then, is white.
Cesar- Certainly. No, wait, how can he be a colour if he can’t even have an elbow?
Ichabod- I mean to say, assume that the colour white represents God, and viceversa.

Cesar give’s Ichabod’s shirt (white) an intense look.

Ichabod- Look, without white, we wouldn’t know what black was, correct?
Cesar- Yes, I can see that.
Ichabod- Can you really?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- We use the one to define the other, understand?
Cesar- Yes. Up in relation down, warm and cold, small and tall, happy and angry.
Ichabod- Well, the last two don’t follow, but-
Cesar- Don’t they?
Ichabod- But the point is that the devil is God’s opposite, and as God does not exist then the devil has no more sway in life.
Cesar- There’s a flaw in that somewhere, I’m sure of it.
Ichabod- Quite possibly, now that I think of it.
Cesar- Say, perhaps that Spring Heeled Jack was a pagan thing?
Ichabod- How do you mean.
Cesar- Well, I recall no mention of Satan being able to leap, so.
Ichabod- Just because we haven’t discovered an ability…
Cesar- Look, for argument’s sake.
Ichabod- Fine.
Cesar- We’re still rejecting monotheism. And they did light the pagans on fire, didn’t they?
Ichabod- You’re missing the point! We’re attempting a blissful rationality! A sharpening of the instrument that is the human mind. There’s no more place for Spring Heeled Jack here than there is miracles, nor St Nick, nor the Easter bunny! Will you desist!
Cesar- I think he exists.
Ichabod- The Easter Bunny? At your age?
Cesar- Spring Heeled Jack.
Ichabod- But you’ve never heard of him!
Cesar- I still think he exists.
Ichabod- For all you know I could have made him up.
Cesar- Did you?
Ichabod- No.
Cesar- SEE!
Ichabod- There is no such thing as Spring Heeled Jack.
Cesar- I hear something.
Ichabod- That’s me.
Cesar- Something breathing.
Ichabod- That’s you.
Cesar- Oh. Quite.
Ichabod- Are you going to get some rest?
Cesar- As though I’m sleeping now.
Ichabod- Scared of the dark?
Cesar- It’s light out.
Ichabod- Scared of the light?
Cesar- There’s a thought. But then, why would I be afraid of the light?
Ichabod- How should I know?
Cesar- Divine retribution?
Ichabod- The dawning of a new age?
Cesar- Oho, is the scientest agreeing with me?
Ichabod- No.
Cesar- No?
Ichabod- No, this is comforting banter.
Cesar- I'm afraid you’re terrible at it.
Ichabod- We all have our weaknesses.
Cesar- Some of us more than others.
Ichabod- Oh, that’s adult.
Cesar- I’m still annoyed with you.
Ichabod- That’s fine.
Cesar- You know what I was thinking about earlier?
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- That wedding.
Ichabod- What wedding?
Cesar- The one we weren’t at.
Ichabod- What about it?
Cesar- It’s funny.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- Just that it’s funny.
Ichabod- How is it funny?
Cesar- That we both remember not being at it.
Ichabod- It’s late.
Cesar- Early.
Ichabod- Quite.
Cesar- So it’s funny.
Ichabod- Yes, yes it is. Now even if you’ll not close your eyes for a moment, I intend to.
Cesar- Goodness, how inconsiderate of me. Of course.
Ichabod- Thank you.

Ichabod lies down, makes a complicated procedure of folding himself a pillow, fussing, shifting, rolling, etcetera.

Once he is finally settled, Cesar, who has pulled a handful of knickknacks out of his pockets at some point (which should include the following; a ring, a penny, a pocketknife, some string, a quarter, dime, a few more pennies, a button, a safety pin, a pen cap) pitches one of the pennies at him.

Ichabod opens his eyes, and looks first around, then at Cesar, who stares back, not even pretending to be innocent.

Ichabod closes his eyes again.

Cesar repeats the motion, throwing another penny.

Ichabod- Do you mind?
Cesar- Oh, am I disturbing you?

Throws another penny.

Ichabod- Yes. Yes, you rather are.
Cesar- Oh, dear me.

Some silence.
The moment Ichabod closes his eyes, Cesar throws another penny.

Ichabod- No.
Cesar- No what?
Ichabod- No, I’m not getting angry.
Cesar- I don’t want you to get angry.
Ichabod- Yes, you do. You could not possibly behave in as juvenile a fashion as this if you weren’t trying to provoke a specific, and equally juvenile response. I will not get angry.
Cesar- Suit yourself.

Cesar throws another penny, and Ichabod sits up with a yell.

Cesar- Lying is a sin you know.
Ichabod- You are impossible!
Cesar- (makes a noise of agreement)
Ichabod- Are you intending to stop at any point?
Cesar- Yes.

This said even as he throws the dime at him.

Ichabod- And?
Cesar- And what?

The nickel goes.

Ichabod- And when are you stopping?
Cesar- Well, now.
Ichabod- Now?
Cesar- Yes. A penny is one thing, but I’m not wasting a full quarter.

A long, vicious pause as Cesar sets about tucking the things away.

Ichabod- I’m sorry I upset you.
Cesar- Good.
Ichabod- But I see no reason for you to continue behaving in this manner.
Cesar- It suits my mood.
Ichabod- But it does not suit you. This is an unbecoming display.
Cesar- I’m sorry.
Ichabod- Of course.
Cesar- No, I mean it, I’ll stop.

Ichabod warily closes his eyes, and lies back down. Cesar waits a whole fifteen seconds before throwing the quarter at him.

Ichabod- GOD!
Cesar- That was worth it.
Ichabod- Leave me alone.
Cesar- I should really go.

Ichabod freezes.

Cesar- I didn’t mean that.
Ichabod- Fine.
Cesar- Go to sleep.
Ichabod- I’m awake.
Cesar- I’ll not do it again.
Ichabod- I know.

Both are silent. Ichabod slowly, deliberately picks up a penny near him and throws it at Cesar, who jumps, and shifts closer.

Ichabod- You do frustrate me.
Cesar- You wouldn’t like me if I didn’t.
Ichabod- That’s… (some surprise) …true.
Cesar- Did you ever wonder why-
Ichabod- Hush.
Cesar- What?
Ichabod- I can’t bear to fight right now.
Cesar- I wasn’t fighting.
Ichabod- We always end up fighting.
Cesar- The solution is not a vow of silence. We’re not monks.
Ichabod- I’m beginning to suspect it might be easier.
Cesar- Now I’ve seen everything.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- You’ve been converted!
Ichabod- Never.
Cesar- And not even a death-bed Christian.
Ichabod- Too late for that.
Cesar- Is it?

Both consider this.

Their meditations are interrupted before they can really go anywhere, by a scream from offstage.

Cesar- What is it?
Ichabod- Stay still.
Cesar- It’s Spring Heeled Jack!
Ichabod- Hush.
Cesar- It’s going to kill us.
Ichabod- Don’t be a fool.
Cesar- It’s going to breathe fire at us! I can see it approaching.
Ichabod- That’s a shadow.
Cesar- It’s killed again and now it’s looking for blood.
Ichabod- Shut up.
Cesar- We’re going to die.

Ichabod claps a hand over Cesar’s mouth. The stage is auspiciously silent.

Ichabod- I think it’s gone.
Cesar- Sprung away.
Ichabod- Whatever it was.
Cesar- Some pour soul maimed.
Ichabod- Can you maim a soul?
Cesar- You know what I mean.
Ichabod- It must have been some animal.
Cesar- Oh, of course.
Ichabod- A predator stalking some creature.
Cesar- Which made a noise like that? How big would that ‘small’ creature have to be, exactly?
Ichabod- Perhaps it was-

As they speak, someone dressed in black wanders on behind them and gathers up the money on the floor.

Cesar- Perhaps it was what?
Ichabod- I-
Cesar- No, don’t stop. I’m curious to hear what the eminent scientist suggests.
Ichabod- It might have been-
Cesar- Well?
Ichabod- A deer.
Cesar- A deer?
Ichabod- Killed by a wolf.
Cesar- There aren’t such things in these parts.
Ichabod- How do you know that?
Cesar- Look around.
Ichabod- Of course.
Cesar- So you admit it, then, you can’t imagine it.
Ichabod- Imagination has nothing to do with it. It might have been the wind.
Cesar- The wind?
Ichabod- Whistling through a crevasse.
Cesar- What crevasse? The landscape is completely barren.
Ichabod- Or perhaps someone screaming for the sake of it?
Cesar- How do you mean?
Ichabod- Have you never just screamed for the sake of it?
Cesar- No.
Ichabod- Well… nor have I, but I’ve heard it’s sometimes done.

During the pause he has turned, so his back is both to Ichabod and the figure in black at the back of the stage.

Cesar- Oh.
Ichabod- It can’t have been that anyways.
Cesar- Why ever not?
Ichabod- There’s no one else about.

The figure throws one of the pennies it had picked up, hard at Ichabod, who leaps into the air.

Ichabod- I SAID STOP DOING THAT.

The figure exits, as quickly and silently as possible.

Cesar- I’m not doing anything!
Ichabod- You’re utterly ridiculous. I don’t know why I tolerate this sort of behaviour.
Cesar- Because if you wandered off alone, Spring Heeled Jack would find and burn you.
Ichabod- There is no such thing.
Cesar- Tell me you didn’t hear that screaming?
Ichabod- Spring Heeled Jack does not exist, therefore he cannot possibly be screaming.
Cesar- Why are you discounting it so quickly?
Ichabod- It’s the principle of the thing.
Cesar- Oh, well, that’s logic for you.

A long pause, while both peer in different directions warily.

Cesar- I think it’s gone.
Ichabod- How can you possibly know that?
Cesar- I don’t see it.
Ichabod- You never saw it, if there was an it, to begin with.
Cesar- Do you think it knows we’re here?
Ichabod- If it’s out there?
Cesar- Since it’s out there.
Ichabod- If it is out there, it undoubtedly heard your caterwauling.
Cesar- That wasn’t caterwauling.
Ichabod- Yes it was.
Cesar- Caterwauling implies a certain amount of mailing. Wauling. Or at least the presence of a cat.
Ichabod- It would have heard you.
Cesar- PRRROOOOOOOOAAAAWWWW.

Some silence.

Ichabod- And just when I thought it imposible for you to incur further disdain.
Cesar- It’s probably out there right now.
Ichabod- I wouldn’t worry about that.
Cesar- Why not?
Ichabod- Any beast with ears and any sense whatsoever would have fled, by now.
Cesar- That’s not very kind.

Ichabod gives Cesar a Look.

Cesar- Anyways, does Spring Heeled Jack even have ears?
Ichabod- No.
Cesar- Really?
Ichabod- He wore an oilskin mask fitting smooth to his head.
Cesar- Oh dear.
Ichabod- And besides.
Cesar- Besides?
Ichabod- He no more has ears than God has elbows.
Cesar- I don’t know how you go on.
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- With no belief in anything whatsoever.
Ichabod- I do believe in things.
Cesar- Name one?
Ichabod- In… things. I believe we are here, I believe it is now, I believe in science.
Cesar- Evidence and facts leading to dry conclusions.
Ichabod- Founded belief, then, is that what you’re showing this disdain for?
Cesar- I’m just saying-
Ichabod- Just saying what?
Cesar- That if I were you I think I would be lonely.
Ichabod- I have you.
Cesar- I think I’d be bored.
Ichabod- You find me boring?
Cesar- Of course that’s not what I mean.
Ichabod- What do you mean, then?
Cesar- Just that if life were always exactly as it seemed, then there’d be no point.
Ichabod- Well, if I just took life as a series of fate and coincidence, then where would I be?
Cesar- Which?
Ichabod- With nothing left to discover.
Cesar- Oh.
Ichabod- See?
Cesar- Yes, I suppose I do.
Ichabod- Good.
Cesar- In any matter-

Both freeze solid. A person, a woman, this time, screams again and races through the back of the stage, running obviously as fast as she can, as though pursued by something. She doesn’t acknowledge the two men, just runs as fast as she can. There are no signs of any pursuit, though both look for it.

Ichabod- I say!
Cesar- Too late.
Ichabod- My goodness.
Cesar- It’s proof!
Ichabod- What?
Cesar- Some villain is about.
Ichabod- No it isn’t.
Cesar- How so?
Ichabod- There’s no one running behind?

Both stare for a moment.

Cesar- Perhaps she got a very good lead?