Ends vs Means
May. 10th, 2006 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
knights_say_nihDworkin and a bit of mindfuckery with Ramon. NC-17 easy, though there's not much sexual until the very end and that's just R. The rating is because Dworkin is the scarriest bastard to walk the earth, needs to be locked up, and just isn't really people safe. At all.
“You are not being careful with them!”
Ramon’s eyes narrow at the accusation, and the invasive jab at his chest. As far as he’s concerned, the old man may be old but he has no business sticking his nose in things he doesn’t understand.
“That’s nice, Dworkin. Why don’t you…”
He’s cut off before he can continue the sentence by a nearly preemptive gesture from Dworkin, fingers closing around Ramon’s wrist. His eyes are narrow; his (green, laughing, young) eyes are fixed on Ramon’s face and his hand tightens on Ramon’s wrist.
“You think you’re helping matters by pulling away from Random? You think you’re helping by giving him and the boy ‘space?’ The neither of them understand what they’ve done and every minute they spend alone together is more and more dangerous. Every deal you make with a person closer to you, every risk you take because you want that adrenaline back is another step that brings them closer to this----”
Ramon…
…Ramon in bed and not alone. Not alone there with Random who looks tired and frustrated and has his gaze fastened on the ceiling.
“He’s crying.”
Ramon flicks the page of his book- he is holding a book- and doesn’t look at Random. He knows. Random left the door to their room open tonight and he can hear the sniffles Martin is trying to hide in his pillow.
“He was so proud of that, Ramon.”
The page turns again. Again, he knew, he could see it in the delicate grip of little fingers around the crudely wrapped package that was shyly slid across the table. Random doesn’t seem to get the message his silence is trying to impart. Either that or he’s angry enough to not care. Ramon thinks that might be it, given the livid expression on his face when Ramon had glanced at it and reached past it for the plate of bread.
“I just don’t know why you have to… never mind.”
Ramon sighs internally and turns the page again as Random rolls over and sets his head on the pillow facing away. After a few minutes of staring at the page he sets it down and turns off the light and lies back too.
All night he pretends, for Random’s sake, because the man is trying so hard to hide it, that he doesn’t know that Martin’s not the only blond Amberite in their home crying this evening.
Ramon just doesn’t think there’s anything he can do to change it.
¬----and you pretend you love him but you’re already almost willing to let him lie next to you and hurt because you’re human and stupid and keep confusing what you’ve lost with what’s been given to you to try again! Push the both of them away from you is your solution, because clearly Random will find solace in the arms of his son. The three year old knows how to comfort him. That’s right. That’s logical. You know how Random gets and you know it’ll be worse with no one there to help him through those moments and you know how scared he gets of things that’ll trap him! But he chose this time to give himself to you and tie himself to you and be trapped in every way possible even though it scares him so it’s your job to make sure he doesn’t----
Lights.
Flashing, spinning lights and loud music, thick cigarette smoke in the air and the scent of beer and a crowd. Eyes are closed in moments of pleasure and eyes are narrowed against the light and eyes are gazing into each other and eyes are focused on the band at the head of the dancing, moving crowd.
One mans eyes, brighter green than all the rest, are shaded and focused on the wall at the back of the room and they have dark circles underneath them. Another mans eyes are focused on the green ones, narrowed but in worry because Random is only a ghost of himself tonight.
Ramon knows Random thinks he’s cheating, though he’s been too kind, too quiet, too quick to take his hand when he climbs into bed at night. Ramon doesn’t know when Random holding his hand started bothering him but now it does and he wishes he’d get the message and stop.
Besides. He wasn’t cheating. A blow job from a hooker didn’t count, and Random had been onstage at the time anyways.
One man plays his drums with tears beginning to enter his eyes and the other sips his drink and stares at nothing.
----and you know how much he loves you, or at least, you should by now, what he’s sat through to be with you and how he’s held you when you were slipping and now you’re just planning to distance yourself from him a little? Do you honestly think you’ll be able to do that, to pull away emotionally without----
Hands.
His gaze was focused on Ramon’s hands, and the way they were clenched in the sheets. Then on Ramon’s back, and the way it arched when he was thrusting, and the way his thighs clenched when he got close, and remembering the feeling of his shoves speeding up, growing more erratic, harder, as he got closer and closer.
And Ramon kept thrusting, though Random could tell by the way he’d tensed (he didn’t do that during sex, Random knew, knew the play of all his skin over every muscle) that he’d heard, seen him enter. But he just kept on fucking her and the woman underneath him had her eyes closed, so she hadn’t seen.
So Random screamed, and then screamed again because it wasn’t gone and he hadn’t woken himself up because they were still there and now the girl was shouting and trying to push Ramon off her.
Ramon pulled out, pulled back, moved off, and he had an erection for someone else that wasn’t Random who’d touched him and sucked him in their bed oh please god make it go away but it didn’t, so Random did the next best thing.
He closed his eyes, and crumpled, falling in the doorway with a defeated sound, because he’d like to run but he can’t even think right now, so he just lies there. Stays still when Ramon cries out, when the girl screams too, when feet pound across the floor and the whore steps over his body to get out of his their room.
Ramon is hauling Random up without thought or care, because it has to be that way, and Random’s head falls limp and his neck grinds painfully but all he can do is whimper softly, and then collapse onto the bed and shudder because he’s suddenly freezing.
He doesn’t start crying till Ramon tentatively tries to hug him.
And then he can’t stop and he’s pulling him close and nearly hysterical because it hurts so much and Ramon was still naked and he could smell cheap perfume on his skin and it made him cry harder.
----think you’ll be able to become who you were and still stay faithful to him? Bullshit and you should know it. Think you’ll be able to love Random and not every part of him including his child? Stupid, stupid human. Stupid. Think you can become the man you were and run a drug ring with them both trying to love you----
Random…
…no, not just Random. Random and Martin. Random and Martin and a circle of men with guns and laughter and one man in the lead, stepping forwards and offering Random…
… shaking, beaten, tired and dirty Random, a gun…
…a gun with one bullet in it and telling him that’s what he gets to defend the both of them against the others and isn’t it a fair fight, isn’t it? But it isn’t, not at all because it’s a tired father and his little son and a whole crowd of laughing, strong men who are going to gun them down before they take a step if they decide to try to run and leap upon them and hurt them when they don’t.
The man in the lead tells Random that the real game will begin when he’s caught and they think they’ll make it nice and slow so Ramon can hear the both of them screaming good and loud.
Random’s arm tightens about Martin who is crying into his shoulder and his hand tightens around the gun and he turns where he stands, frantically searching the faces around him for weakness or for mercy, though he expects the first more than the next.
What he finds is none of either, just a sadism that gleams that he wishes he didn’t recognize so he falls to his knees suddenly, and holds Martin tighter to him, though he’s still crying. When he begins to quiet him, the men jeer because he should be crying and will cry more before the night is over which Random knows. That’s why when he starts singing, it’s in Thari, and no one but the little boy understand what it says though they all know what it means.
I love you forever
Forever and always
As long as I'm living
My baby you’ll-
The gunshot rings out, Martin slumps in his fathers’ arms, dead and unafraid and dead and not in pain and dead and Random is crying too hard to finish the word ‘be.’
When Ramon answers the phone that night Random is too proud and too stubborn to scream, doesn’t make any sound until the very last moment, and even then it’s only an angry curse, damning them all with all the power in his being even as the blood drains out of his body and his skin burns away to ash.
----because they do love you, both of them do, more than you can imagine and Martin deserves an identity of his own because he’s Random’s and Random wants him to be yours too because Random loves you with every breath in his body now. Giving you a chance to have what you did before again and you’re too afraid and going to waste it and… and…”
Ramon hasn’t been released until just this moment where Dworkin’s hand pulls off his wrist. Tension in his back eases and his eyes close as though in sleep and then open abruptly. He slumps in his chair, tears already starting, of shock and pain and fear because he already has to worry that it’s too lat to change.
“…and just don’t.” says Dworkin pointlessly, because it’s plain that he won’t, or rather, that he wouldn’t but simply can’t help it.
So Dworkin leans down and touches him one more time and shows him suddenly----
A warm child leaning back against him, sleeping on his lap and another body against his side, father and son smiling identically as they sleep.
Martin muttering something sleepy about grasshoppers and Random something in return about trees because they both still dream vividly, especially after exciting days and today they’d done nearly everything they could think of so an afternoon nap on the beach was just what they all needed.
Perfection. Warm, sunny, quiet perfection
----that he’s not too late and he goes, leaving Ramon to weep.
That night he makes it home, still unsteady. The first place he goes is to Martin’s room, though he wishes he could go to Random. And when he sees the little boy sit up in bed to smile at him he does feel a sudden, unfamiliar stab of affection.
His hair is so very tousled and his eyes are so very sleepy and his smile is so very earnest, and Ramon can’t help reaching out to ruffle his hair when he sits down on the edge of the bed. It makes Martin’s eyes widen in surprise because pai usually doesn’t, so Ramon does it again, and then leans in to kiss the top of his head.
“I love you, you know? I probably won’t say it a lot, filho, but I do.”
The small arms that wrap around his neck and the little sound of pride and happiness make the moment all the more important, and Ramon can even smile a little and wonder if Emanuel would have liked playing with Martin when they were little.
Random comes home from work and finds them in the kitchen making icecream treats, and once Martin is finally put to bed again Ramon pins Random to the wall and kisses him till he’s trembling, then takes him upstairs and lays him on the bed and keeps on kissing him until Random’s rocking and whimpering underneath him.
Maybe because he’s too tired or maybe because he likes the feeling of Random like this or maybe just because it makes both of them feel like teenagers again in a way they never really got to, they don’t bother with undressing, just rub together and wrap around each other and touch until they’re both gasping in pleasure and Ramon slumps against Random, satisfied, and Random wraps his arms around him and lets his legs fall back to the mattress.
“Hey there, lover. Care to tell me what’s up?”
Ramon looks up, because he’d hoped it wouldn’t be that obvious that anything changed.
“I’m not complaining. I want my jeans off right now because I feel sticky, but other than that, I’m not complaining. But it’s you, so I would like to know.”
Ramon wonders, for a moment, why he’s stopped being afraid and why he isn’t shaking because by every right it should have been, after seeing something like that. But he isn’t. Vaguely aware somewhere that it might have something to do with Dworkin. Vaguely aware that it hadn’t been the intention to scare him, just to show him and it had worked because anything the old man wanted to happen always worked.
Random’s face darkens as he explains this, and his fingers begin to trace along Ramon’s skin, carefully and caringly because it sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like a nightmare and it does give Ramon nightmares, which leads to a few nights of grabbing, holding, frantic kissing and mumbles of adoration.
But it’s alright in the end.
Dworkin knew it would be.
“You are not being careful with them!”
Ramon’s eyes narrow at the accusation, and the invasive jab at his chest. As far as he’s concerned, the old man may be old but he has no business sticking his nose in things he doesn’t understand.
“That’s nice, Dworkin. Why don’t you…”
He’s cut off before he can continue the sentence by a nearly preemptive gesture from Dworkin, fingers closing around Ramon’s wrist. His eyes are narrow; his (green, laughing, young) eyes are fixed on Ramon’s face and his hand tightens on Ramon’s wrist.
“You think you’re helping matters by pulling away from Random? You think you’re helping by giving him and the boy ‘space?’ The neither of them understand what they’ve done and every minute they spend alone together is more and more dangerous. Every deal you make with a person closer to you, every risk you take because you want that adrenaline back is another step that brings them closer to this----”
Ramon…
…Ramon in bed and not alone. Not alone there with Random who looks tired and frustrated and has his gaze fastened on the ceiling.
“He’s crying.”
Ramon flicks the page of his book- he is holding a book- and doesn’t look at Random. He knows. Random left the door to their room open tonight and he can hear the sniffles Martin is trying to hide in his pillow.
“He was so proud of that, Ramon.”
The page turns again. Again, he knew, he could see it in the delicate grip of little fingers around the crudely wrapped package that was shyly slid across the table. Random doesn’t seem to get the message his silence is trying to impart. Either that or he’s angry enough to not care. Ramon thinks that might be it, given the livid expression on his face when Ramon had glanced at it and reached past it for the plate of bread.
“I just don’t know why you have to… never mind.”
Ramon sighs internally and turns the page again as Random rolls over and sets his head on the pillow facing away. After a few minutes of staring at the page he sets it down and turns off the light and lies back too.
All night he pretends, for Random’s sake, because the man is trying so hard to hide it, that he doesn’t know that Martin’s not the only blond Amberite in their home crying this evening.
Ramon just doesn’t think there’s anything he can do to change it.
¬----and you pretend you love him but you’re already almost willing to let him lie next to you and hurt because you’re human and stupid and keep confusing what you’ve lost with what’s been given to you to try again! Push the both of them away from you is your solution, because clearly Random will find solace in the arms of his son. The three year old knows how to comfort him. That’s right. That’s logical. You know how Random gets and you know it’ll be worse with no one there to help him through those moments and you know how scared he gets of things that’ll trap him! But he chose this time to give himself to you and tie himself to you and be trapped in every way possible even though it scares him so it’s your job to make sure he doesn’t----
Lights.
Flashing, spinning lights and loud music, thick cigarette smoke in the air and the scent of beer and a crowd. Eyes are closed in moments of pleasure and eyes are narrowed against the light and eyes are gazing into each other and eyes are focused on the band at the head of the dancing, moving crowd.
One mans eyes, brighter green than all the rest, are shaded and focused on the wall at the back of the room and they have dark circles underneath them. Another mans eyes are focused on the green ones, narrowed but in worry because Random is only a ghost of himself tonight.
Ramon knows Random thinks he’s cheating, though he’s been too kind, too quiet, too quick to take his hand when he climbs into bed at night. Ramon doesn’t know when Random holding his hand started bothering him but now it does and he wishes he’d get the message and stop.
Besides. He wasn’t cheating. A blow job from a hooker didn’t count, and Random had been onstage at the time anyways.
One man plays his drums with tears beginning to enter his eyes and the other sips his drink and stares at nothing.
----and you know how much he loves you, or at least, you should by now, what he’s sat through to be with you and how he’s held you when you were slipping and now you’re just planning to distance yourself from him a little? Do you honestly think you’ll be able to do that, to pull away emotionally without----
Hands.
His gaze was focused on Ramon’s hands, and the way they were clenched in the sheets. Then on Ramon’s back, and the way it arched when he was thrusting, and the way his thighs clenched when he got close, and remembering the feeling of his shoves speeding up, growing more erratic, harder, as he got closer and closer.
And Ramon kept thrusting, though Random could tell by the way he’d tensed (he didn’t do that during sex, Random knew, knew the play of all his skin over every muscle) that he’d heard, seen him enter. But he just kept on fucking her and the woman underneath him had her eyes closed, so she hadn’t seen.
So Random screamed, and then screamed again because it wasn’t gone and he hadn’t woken himself up because they were still there and now the girl was shouting and trying to push Ramon off her.
Ramon pulled out, pulled back, moved off, and he had an erection for someone else that wasn’t Random who’d touched him and sucked him in their bed oh please god make it go away but it didn’t, so Random did the next best thing.
He closed his eyes, and crumpled, falling in the doorway with a defeated sound, because he’d like to run but he can’t even think right now, so he just lies there. Stays still when Ramon cries out, when the girl screams too, when feet pound across the floor and the whore steps over his body to get out of his their room.
Ramon is hauling Random up without thought or care, because it has to be that way, and Random’s head falls limp and his neck grinds painfully but all he can do is whimper softly, and then collapse onto the bed and shudder because he’s suddenly freezing.
He doesn’t start crying till Ramon tentatively tries to hug him.
And then he can’t stop and he’s pulling him close and nearly hysterical because it hurts so much and Ramon was still naked and he could smell cheap perfume on his skin and it made him cry harder.
----think you’ll be able to become who you were and still stay faithful to him? Bullshit and you should know it. Think you’ll be able to love Random and not every part of him including his child? Stupid, stupid human. Stupid. Think you can become the man you were and run a drug ring with them both trying to love you----
Random…
…no, not just Random. Random and Martin. Random and Martin and a circle of men with guns and laughter and one man in the lead, stepping forwards and offering Random…
… shaking, beaten, tired and dirty Random, a gun…
…a gun with one bullet in it and telling him that’s what he gets to defend the both of them against the others and isn’t it a fair fight, isn’t it? But it isn’t, not at all because it’s a tired father and his little son and a whole crowd of laughing, strong men who are going to gun them down before they take a step if they decide to try to run and leap upon them and hurt them when they don’t.
The man in the lead tells Random that the real game will begin when he’s caught and they think they’ll make it nice and slow so Ramon can hear the both of them screaming good and loud.
Random’s arm tightens about Martin who is crying into his shoulder and his hand tightens around the gun and he turns where he stands, frantically searching the faces around him for weakness or for mercy, though he expects the first more than the next.
What he finds is none of either, just a sadism that gleams that he wishes he didn’t recognize so he falls to his knees suddenly, and holds Martin tighter to him, though he’s still crying. When he begins to quiet him, the men jeer because he should be crying and will cry more before the night is over which Random knows. That’s why when he starts singing, it’s in Thari, and no one but the little boy understand what it says though they all know what it means.
I love you forever
Forever and always
As long as I'm living
My baby you’ll-
The gunshot rings out, Martin slumps in his fathers’ arms, dead and unafraid and dead and not in pain and dead and Random is crying too hard to finish the word ‘be.’
When Ramon answers the phone that night Random is too proud and too stubborn to scream, doesn’t make any sound until the very last moment, and even then it’s only an angry curse, damning them all with all the power in his being even as the blood drains out of his body and his skin burns away to ash.
----because they do love you, both of them do, more than you can imagine and Martin deserves an identity of his own because he’s Random’s and Random wants him to be yours too because Random loves you with every breath in his body now. Giving you a chance to have what you did before again and you’re too afraid and going to waste it and… and…”
Ramon hasn’t been released until just this moment where Dworkin’s hand pulls off his wrist. Tension in his back eases and his eyes close as though in sleep and then open abruptly. He slumps in his chair, tears already starting, of shock and pain and fear because he already has to worry that it’s too lat to change.
“…and just don’t.” says Dworkin pointlessly, because it’s plain that he won’t, or rather, that he wouldn’t but simply can’t help it.
So Dworkin leans down and touches him one more time and shows him suddenly----
A warm child leaning back against him, sleeping on his lap and another body against his side, father and son smiling identically as they sleep.
Martin muttering something sleepy about grasshoppers and Random something in return about trees because they both still dream vividly, especially after exciting days and today they’d done nearly everything they could think of so an afternoon nap on the beach was just what they all needed.
Perfection. Warm, sunny, quiet perfection
----that he’s not too late and he goes, leaving Ramon to weep.
That night he makes it home, still unsteady. The first place he goes is to Martin’s room, though he wishes he could go to Random. And when he sees the little boy sit up in bed to smile at him he does feel a sudden, unfamiliar stab of affection.
His hair is so very tousled and his eyes are so very sleepy and his smile is so very earnest, and Ramon can’t help reaching out to ruffle his hair when he sits down on the edge of the bed. It makes Martin’s eyes widen in surprise because pai usually doesn’t, so Ramon does it again, and then leans in to kiss the top of his head.
“I love you, you know? I probably won’t say it a lot, filho, but I do.”
The small arms that wrap around his neck and the little sound of pride and happiness make the moment all the more important, and Ramon can even smile a little and wonder if Emanuel would have liked playing with Martin when they were little.
Random comes home from work and finds them in the kitchen making icecream treats, and once Martin is finally put to bed again Ramon pins Random to the wall and kisses him till he’s trembling, then takes him upstairs and lays him on the bed and keeps on kissing him until Random’s rocking and whimpering underneath him.
Maybe because he’s too tired or maybe because he likes the feeling of Random like this or maybe just because it makes both of them feel like teenagers again in a way they never really got to, they don’t bother with undressing, just rub together and wrap around each other and touch until they’re both gasping in pleasure and Ramon slumps against Random, satisfied, and Random wraps his arms around him and lets his legs fall back to the mattress.
“Hey there, lover. Care to tell me what’s up?”
Ramon looks up, because he’d hoped it wouldn’t be that obvious that anything changed.
“I’m not complaining. I want my jeans off right now because I feel sticky, but other than that, I’m not complaining. But it’s you, so I would like to know.”
Ramon wonders, for a moment, why he’s stopped being afraid and why he isn’t shaking because by every right it should have been, after seeing something like that. But he isn’t. Vaguely aware somewhere that it might have something to do with Dworkin. Vaguely aware that it hadn’t been the intention to scare him, just to show him and it had worked because anything the old man wanted to happen always worked.
Random’s face darkens as he explains this, and his fingers begin to trace along Ramon’s skin, carefully and caringly because it sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like a nightmare and it does give Ramon nightmares, which leads to a few nights of grabbing, holding, frantic kissing and mumbles of adoration.
But it’s alright in the end.
Dworkin knew it would be.
